2005

The year i finally visited to Japan, the land of my wildest dreams (and more) after liking it for 4 years.

The year where every Kimshi member visited Japan, though not all together at the same time. (strange, now that i come to think of it)

I (finally) went to work. I hate working but i like to see my bank account grow.

The year i got into SADM.

I tried to be independent by staying at hostel but took like, one month before i could keep myself there.

I did cosplaying.

I started liking DBSK. And got interested in the Korean Language.

I'm still in the process of finding myself though.

"I used to think that humour was the only way to appreciate how wonderful and terrible the world is, to celebrate how big life is...But now i think it's the opposite. Humour is a way of shrinking from that terrible and wonderful world."

-----Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

I agree with this author, which is why i have decided to become more serious (when the need arises) this year. I feel that ever since that lame joke streak in me started, i haven't really lived. Haven't really put my heart out there and feel. I have been living with my senses but not my heart. Like, my mouth is moving but my heart is empty. I eat nice food and feel happy but only as long as the food is in my mouth. You know, happy in the senses but not in the mind.

When i was younger, i believe in pursuing my dreams. But now that i have grown up a little more, that belief has been shaken. By my experience in Mediacorp, where i actually saw the work put into a show off-camera. I dunno...it all seems so...i dunno, like the mystery and the magic is gone. It's not a dream anymore. It's a job. I really respect those filmmakers but.....i'm just damn lazy, i know. I'm working on it. Keep my mind focused on the end *focus* *focus*

*focus*

For the last 2 years, i have been thinking of all those big questions like the meaning of life and why are we here on earth and all that. I've been so caught up in all these arguments that i missed out on living. If you find that there is no point in living, do you just stop living? As my sis said, it's pointless to ask those questions. As a character in the movie 'I heart huckabees' said, "[You just want to keep on thinking about these questions] cos anything else is too painful."

I just woke up when i heard that line. I finally understood why i felt so empty and not-happy (not unhappy but just not happy) inside for the past 2 years.

I shall start living.

I shall listen to my heart and do as it tells me to.

Be true to myself.

And live my life the way i want to.