-Mes Confessions-
I wanna subcribe to starhub to watch world cup.
i haven't studied for my astro exam. It is 4 days away.
i dread the day when my astro exam is over. cos then i would have to plan out the games for my sch's freshmen orientation camp.
i don't like the idea of being part of the orientation camp now. of course, i didn't think i'd feel this way when i first signed up.
i'm not supportive of the local film scene. or art scene.
i don't think i'd do a film-related career. Before, in sec sch, i wanted so much to study film. But now that i am here...i'm not so sure that's what i want. Coming to this sch has exposed me to a lot of things i wouldn't have the chance to (like art) but...
Now i'm not so sure if i should take french again next sem. i have forgotten a lot of what i've learnt. And knowing myself, i probably won't revise so i'm afraid i can't catch up next sem.
I'm not looking for love now. It's good if it comes by but i won't go looking for it.
I want to learn bartending. Not how to make the drinks but how to throw the bottles around.
i'd wanted to be an actress when i was younger. So i can act opp tsuyoshi domoto, my fave member of kinki kids.
I also wanted to be a singer so that
a) i could appear on music station and get interviewed by tamori about 'my new single'. And saying that typical line that singers always do as they leave their seats to prepare for their peformance. "Hai, yorishiku onegaishima~~~su. *nods to camera* "Yoroshiku onegaishima~~~su." *nods somemore*
b) i could sing a duet with kk
i want to live in a temperate country. Just so i could wear winter fashion.
i get scared when my father and my sis quarrel cos they tend to shout. i don't think they know it but all their shouting has given me a permanent psychological fear against well, shouting.
i hate crowds. Esp noisy crowds. They remind me of my shouting family members at home.
i get scared when pple display their true emotions, be it shouting with anger or crying hysterically. because i don't usually face my own emotions in all honesty and i don't know how to deal with pple who do.
i hate meeting new pple because of the inevitable awkwardness that it entails.
i hate going to a new working environment. sometimes i get so nervous, i'll get stomach upset ie diarrhoea ie lao sai.
i hate planning stuff.
I like languages. Learning new foreign words gives me a high.
only recently, i realised that my mum loves me.
I wanna learn exotic dance and salsa and belly dancing and hip hop. basically any dance that i can shake my butt/hips cos i like to do that.
i don't do housework at home but i want to change that. (my mum asked me to mop the house once in 2 weeks and i didn't put up much of a resistance) i just don't want to feel so useless at home.
Seriously, sometimes housework is therapeutic eg folding clothes and washing dishes. Esp cooking. Seeing the food u prepared become edible, it's so fascinating it's like a miracle. Even the exhilaration u feel in itself is a miracle.
my memory is actually very bad. i can't remember things beyond one week or somewhere around there. i'd like blame it on this one incident when we were kids where my sis banged a hole puncher on my head.
My mum said she knew my sis bullied me when we were kids. But she didn't step to stop it in cos she wanted me to stand up for myself. i was aghast. i was angry. like, u knew my sis was hurting me and u could still pretend that you didn't know? i don't want to blame my mum but sometimes i think that my personality, and in fact my life, would have been different altogether had she stepped in. On retrospect, i can only wonder.
i don't want to be mad at my sis for what she had done. i know she is repentent. i mean, she has apologised and everything but the psychological impact will never disappear cos it has shaped my entire person to what it is today.
I dunno...Who should i blame? my sis? myself? my mum? In all probabilty, i don't wish to face up to the fact that i was to blame for succumbing to my fear. i was weak. i
am weak. i'm a
coward.
i've since moved on from those dark times but i can't help feeling i haven't completely shaken off those bad times yet. They are still there, haunting me at the back of my head.
Maybe my bad memory arised from my emotional detachment to life instead of any physical reason. Since young, my only protection against the bullying was to numb myself to the pain, both physical and psychological. I've learned the principle of ming2 zhe2 bao3 shen1 so well, i've protected myself so well, i've gone completely aloof on the world around me and the pple in it.
i was happy for a while in sec sch, surrounded by friends and idols, full of dreams for the future.
When i was younger, i dreamt of going to poor African countries to help out in aid activites.
i feel the obstacles btwn me and my ambitions have grown in direct proportion to my age.
As i grow in years, i feel that i see things for what they really are and illusions fade. i felt sad and lost for a while but, things are what they are, there's no good or bad to them. No use worrying too much abt them.
Still, i can't help feeling pessimistic abt the world.
Yes, that's what i feel towards the world right now.
However, i also feel that singaporean youths like myself are too free ie kong4 xian2 to have the time to feel depressed. Because if you are depressed, u must first fulfill the requirement of having too much time on your hands for your own good. Then u'll have the time to think so deeply abt things that they drive u nuts.
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Note to readers: I penned this post just so i can have a peace of mind, without any intention to attack my family members or solicit sympathy.
